Chocolate Chip Presents The Clive Jackson Mixtape
(click to download)
This is the Clive Jackson mixtape. It is the first of what promises to be many from Germany’s Prince of Danceness, and to understand its significance, we must first explain the circumstances of its conception.
It was cold in Berlin when Werner Schmitt finally awoke on that fateful January afternoon two years ago. He had been more than a bit drunk the night before and now his head felt like it had been pissed on by knives. He made it out of bed, and spent the day watching Günther Jauch reruns and eating Super-Nudeln. It was only a few hours later that he noticed a note on the mantelpiece from his wife Tanja, who he then came to notice was not in the bedsit. It read:
ich habe dich verlassen, um mit Clive zu sein. Er ist einfach ein besserer Liebhaber als du es bist.
P.S: werde mal nüchtern und hör’ auf immer ins Bett zu pissen!
Werner was a proud man. He did not cry, or react in any way other than to roll a cigarette, put on his trench coat, and go to work.
Werner worked as a bouncer at Berlin’s elite club Schwuz, a place renowned worldwide for, amongst other things, its techno nights. On this particular night Werner was called to the men’s bathroom having heard reports of substance abuse. He found a dashing Aryan gentleman in his mid-twenties, hunched over the cistern nursing a nosebleed. The following conversation ensued:
Werner Schmitt: Was ist dein Name?
Clive Jackson: Clive Jackson.
Werner saw red. He dragged Clive into the alley behind the club and beat him senseless to the dull resonances of DJ Shog’s Live 4 Music, which echoed from inside. If it were a scene in a film, it would have been described as ‘gritty’. Unfortunately, that was not the end of this gruesome episode: while lying in a dumpster, crippled by his injuries, Clive found himself at the mercy of a sexually charged, very effeminately dressed bearded man. He looked like both Paris Hilton and Dimebag Darrell at the same time (taken from a witness statement on the incident).
He also contracted herpes.
This event destroyed the Clive Jackson of old. Before this he had been a successful author of erotic novels, famous for his ‘Oneman’ series; the first two titles of which (we’re sure you will already know) are ‘Wicked Demons: a Tale of Love and Fear’ and the acclaimed sequel, ‘Blown!’
Since that aforementioned January night, Clive has suffered from writers block, and has been unable to finish the highly anticipated third instalment to the series. He also has a terrible fear of Techno music. As such, Clive began to vent his frustrations through the production of bass music as a way of ‘eradicating techno from existence’.
Not much is known of Clive’s journey from this point, only that he somehow made his way to London. In wasn’t until this year that our very own Gold Bloom picked him up in Trafalgar square, shouting at pigeons. He instantly recognised Clive as his all-time favourite author, and took him under his wing. By this time he had a full beard, and an entire album’s worth of material.
Since this chance meeting, Clive and Gold Bloom have become close friends. The two titans of bass have become inseparable, and enjoy a friendship which, on occasion, borders on incestuous. As a result Clive has found a new sense of direction; while fans of his work will be disappointed to hear that the third instalment to the ‘Oneman’ series has not yet received any pen time, Clive is in talks with an unnamed German musical director with a view to adapting ‘Blown!’ for the stage. More importantly for us however, Clive has put a vast amount of effort into compiling the mixtape, to the point where he barricaded himself in his room sometime in May. After nearly a month in isolation, Clive finally emerged last week from his darkened hovel, and uttered the words we had all been waiting to hear:
‘es ist bereit’
It therefore gives us great pleasure to present to you the fruits of Clive’s labour. Please enjoy the Clive Jackson Mixtape.
Enjoy and spread like Nutella.